My friend Jay Wolf suggested I resurrect this exercise at Viable Paradise, as they found it especially helpful when they were subjected to it years ago. While it’s tailored to writers, I think it applies in many contexts where you might be complimented about something.
It’s worth grabbing a mirror or a friend and practicing the suggested phrases until they feel natural to you. Add your own, if it helps!
You are going to receive compliments about your work. Sorry not sorry, it’s going to happen. And you will probably feel awkward about it.
The impulse to minimize compliments, to laugh them off, even to argue with them, is strong. Sometimes you think people are just being polite, not honest. Sometimes this is imposter syndrome making you feel ashamed or guilty: you have tricked someone into thinking you are worth complimenting! Ack! Sometimes this is cultural: a compliment must be deflected or bad luck will follow. Sometimes we feel pressured to reciprocate and we can’t think of a way to do so on the fly. Sometimes you don’t want to seem conceited, or you don’t want to take credit when you feel like you had help.
Sometimes we just can’t accept it because we don’t think it’s true. Fundamentally, we disagree with the person complimenting us. We think we could have done better. We see all the flaws we didn’t fix. We hear all the sour notes. We taste how the spice ratios are slightly off, or the texture is too stodgy.
I’ve heard different ways of trying to convince yourself to be okay with all these feelings. You can revel in the fact that you are tricking people, muahaha, release your inner villain. You can do affirmations until you are able to believe in your own awesomeness. You can call your mom and listen to a litany of your flaws until you feel like any bad luck has been mitigated.
Ultimately, though, no matter how YOU feel, if you deflect, minimize, or reject a compliment, you are being rude and demeaning to the person complimenting you. You’re making them feel bad. You are telling them: you are a liar, you are a fool, your taste sucks, you like bad things. They are handing you a gift, and you are opening it and saying, “Ew, I don’t want this, get rid of it.”
Did any of that sound good? I hope not. I am doing my best mom guilt attempt here while also channeling my therapist.
I am, alas, not a therapist, so I can’t fix your feelings. But what we are going to do is practice receiving compliments gracefully.
Repeat after me:
Thank you!
Thank you for the kind words!
Thank you, I’m so glad you enjoyed it!
Thank you, I appreciate hearing that!
Thank you, that is lovely to hear!
Thank you, that means a lot to me!
Thank you, I love your work as well!
One thing to consider is matching their enthusiasm level, if you are comfortable with that. If someone is being mellow, keep it mellow. If someone is excitedly bouncing around, maybe engage more deeply with what they like, let them talk more about specifics. If you are autistic or faceblind or otherwise have trouble discerning these things, it is totally fine to stay polite and professional.
Keep practicing this until it becomes automatic. Even if, in the secret cockles of your miserable heart, you can never ever feel joy at being complimented, you can at least pretend you do. You’re a writer, you make stuff up all the time. Go with it.
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